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11 October 2010 @ 09:57 am

(Scene: corner booth at Denny’s in Otsego, MN, 9:30 am, Saturday October 9th .  Randy Moss is sitting in booth with Brett Favre to his left and Fred Smoot to his right.  All are eating breakfast.) 

Favre: Thanks again for meeting me, fellas.  I figured that if anyone could relate to what I’m goin through, it’d be you guys. 

Moss: Hey man, no problem.  I knows all about this kinda thing.  The folks here in Minny still love me after all the crap I pulled.  They’ll forget about this stuff too.

Favre: Yeah, I hope so. And thanks to you too Freddie. Man, I sure had a hard time tracking you down. Lucky you were in town. 

Smoot: Yeah man, no problem… you gots the check, right?

Favre: Jeez Fred, I think we can all afford to pay for our own food.

(I approach the table)

Me: Hey guys, sorry I’m late.  Sophie threw a fit when I told her she couldn’t come with.  ( I sit to Favre’s left).

Moss: Man, you shoulda brought her.  She must be getting big, huh?

Me: Well, I wanted to bring her, but… (head nod in direction to Smoot).

Moss: Oh, right. (to Smoot) Still not allowed around kids, huh?

Smoot: (mumbles unintelligibly while chewing on a waffle).

Me: So, what did I miss?

Favre: Well I was hoping for some advice on how to handle the New York media when they start askin about those texts and phone messages. I figure you guys gotta have some experience with this.

Me: I’m gonna have to defer on this one.  I can get out of pretty much any jam at my work by blaming Customer Service.  Once I say those magic words, whoever I’m talking to just nods and starts complaining about our Customer Service people.  Within a day, the problem just goes away.

Favre: I don’t think that’s gonna work for me.  I mean, it’s not like I can blame the cell phone company’s Customer Service people for this.  The picture clearly isn’t of an Indian guy’s unit.

(All laugh at mildly racist joke.)

Moss: Have you considered chalking it all up to “consensual horseplay?”  I mean, people always talk about how you are like a kid on the field.  Maybe you can just convince people you’re like a kid in real life.  A big, dumb, hillbilly kid who just doesn’t know any better.

Favre: I’m sorry, what was that?  (looking down at back side of placemat) I think this is one of those trick mazes where there is no exit.  Why do I always get stuck with those?

Me: (to Moss) You know, Consensual Horseplay was the name of my fantasy team last year.

Moss: Really, howdya do?

Me: (taking a long sip of coffee) Not great. So is it true that that whole thing was about you asking that lady to…

Moss: Well, sometimes a man’s got a itch that he just can’t reach, know what I’m sayin?  It ain’t like that makes me Jeff Garcia or nuthin.

Smoot: Man, you all crazy. You think “consensual horseplay” is gonna get you outta a drug rap, or runnin over a cop, or transporting ho’s across state lines to put on a toy show?  Hells no! (to Favre) Cracker, it’s time for you to man up and ask yo’self some important questions.  Biggest of all, those ladies hot? Cause if so I jus don’t see what all the fuss ‘bout.

Me: Hey, I’ve got it.  Why not go Tea Party on the bit and just start railing against the left-wing media timing all this to coincide with your return to New York, and about how the media villainizes white men and southerners and all that stuff.   Next thing you know, you’ll have Fox demanding that football players be able to do whatever they want to whoever they want whenever they want.  And the lefties and womens’ groups won’t be heard over all the shouting.

Favre: You really think that could work?

Me: Sure. Look at the Republican nominee for New York governor. That guy has a love child, sends beastiality pics to co-workers, picks fights with reporters after he misunderstands simple questions, and he’s gaining in the polls.  I mean, look around. You’re in Bachmann country. She’s just flat out nuts and is way ahead!

Smoot: You think some o’ that would work for a brotha like me?

(All laugh at mildly racist joke)

Favre: You know, I like that. I’ll just have to run it by the folks at Wrangler.  Wouldn’t want to tick off my sponsor.

Me: I don’t think a company like Wrangler would have a problem with a turn to the right.

Favre: Great. Man I’m feelin more relaxed already.  Freddie, those vitamins you gave me are really doin the trick.

Smoot: Vitamin. Hehehehehehehe.

(Waitress approaches the table)

Waitress: So can I get you anything else?

Moss: (to Waitress) You’s got some nice long fingers, has anyone ever told you that?

Favre: (to Waitress) Can I get your cell phone number?

Me: (to Waitress) I think we’ll just take the check.  Thanks.

(Waitress leaves, a family with two young female children sits at adjacent table.)

Smoot: Well, that’s my cue. (Smoot slides under table, crawls out and stands).  Smoot out.

04 September 2010 @ 12:52 pm
Scene: A Saturday, Worm 4 and family are sitting at a table eating lunch.

Wife: (reading newspaper) Did you know you're not supposed to breath when giving CPR?

Me: Really?  It seems like there would be enough to think about without having to hold your breath.

Wife:  No, I mean that you're not supposed to blow into the other person's mouth.  You're just supposed to compress their chest.

Me: Oh.

Wife:  This says you're supposed to time the compressions to the rhythm of the song "Stayin Alive."

Me:  The chorus or the first verse?

Wife:  It doesn't say.  But I'm guessing they mean the chorus.

Me: (singing in Barry Gibbish falsetto) Ah...ah...ah...ah... stayin alive... stayin alive... stayin aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiiive....

Wife:  Maybe they do mean the first verse.

Me:  They should have picked a song more people know... like "We Will Rock You."

Wife:  They probably chose it based on the rhythm of the song, not the popularity.

Me:  Yeah, but "We Will Rock You" would make more sense.  Pound pound slap, pound pound slap (mimics pounding on victim's chest and slapping victim on face).

Wife: (sighs) I really hope I die at work.

17 August 2010 @ 08:17 am

So by now pretty much everyone has heard of the Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon / Wizard of Oz correlation.  But apparently this isn't the only such connection.

A recent episode of Dora the Explorer celebrating Dora's birthday loosely followed the plot of The Wizard of Oz - Dora and Boots are sucked into a magical land by a tornado and need to get the wishing crystal to the wishing Wizzle (a yellow furry guy) so that he can wish them home.  Typical Dora fare...

But while watching, I noticed a few things which piqued my interests.  As someone who believes that the Spin Doctor's "Pocket Full of Kryptonite" album is one of the best albums of the 90's, this episode spoke to me.  So after putting the kids to bed, I rewatched Dora's birthday episode while listening to "Pocket."  Below are noted some of the many correlations I found:

Song: Jimmy Olsen’s Blues
Line: “drive me up the wall and through the roof”
On-Screen: Tico drives across the screen in his car.

Song: Jimmy Olsen’s Blues
Line: “he’s faster than a bullet, stronger than a train”
On-Screen: Roberto the Robot makes his first appearance. 

Song: What Time Is It?
Line: “it’s not late, no, no… it’s early”
On-Screen: Dora and Boots express concern that they’ll be late to her birthday party. 

Song: Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong
Line: “Been a whole lot easier since the b**ch left town”
On-Screen: A tornado transports Dora and Boots to the magical land of Wizzles. 

Song: Forty or Fifty
Line: “Forty or fifty horses lying in a lot;”
On-Screen; A friendly unicorn helps Dora and Boots.

Song: More Than She Knows
Line: “I know she’s got everything she wants, I know she’s got everything she needs”
On-Screen: Backpack finishes his intro song and provides sticky tape to Dora. 

Song: Two Princes
Line: “One, two princes here before you”
On-Screen: The mean witch spies on Dora and Boots from behind the trees.  (Perhaps an allusion to "princess" rather than "princes"?)

Song: Two Princes
Line: “I ain’t got no future or family tree”
On screen: Dora and Boots are taken captive by the dancing trees. 

Song: Off My Line
Line: “Somewhere in between the blue and the red”
On-Screen: Dora and Boots slide down a rainbow bridge. 

Song: Hard to Exist
Line: “Pete’s off with Captain Hook and with cutlasses they play”
On screen: The Pirate Piggies wish Dora a happy birthday.

05 August 2010 @ 07:38 am
Maybe I'm not the first to make this connection, but I think I might be on to something...

So on Tuesday a member of the Vikings says teammates have received a text message from Favre indicating that he is going to retire.  All hell then breaks loose.  Oddly, Vikings leadership has heard nothing and Favre isn't talking to anyone or scheduling a press conference.

The story continues to get bigger with the simple premise that Favre texted his retirement to teammates.  The Vikings panic and start letting fans know that they're fully prepared to offer Favre millions more to change his mind.  Favre, realizing that this might make him look greedy, finally comes out and says that he is still undecided and that money is not an issue.  Those texts?  It's a mystery as Favre insists he didn't send them.

At the same time, deadspin.com comes out with a story about Favre allegedly texting pictures of little Brett (or maybe not so little - I don't want to speculate) to a smoking hot NY Jets sideline reporter when he was with the team.  With Tiger Woods fresh on everyone's mind, the story is picked up my major media, even though there really is no proof yet and only rumors.

So, here's my theory; the entire retirement text was faked by Favre and Vikings PR staff for one reason - when the deadspin story breaks and everyone starts googling "Brett Favre text," they'll get the faux retirement story and not the adult photo story.

Simple, right?  Or am I just reading way too much into this?  Either way, I'm already sick of Favre and the season hasn't even started yet.
19 July 2010 @ 09:57 am

So I was perusing an article in Slate about thinning the herd of empty homes in Flint Michigan and something caught my eye.  Per the article, it costs approx. $9,000 to destroy a home.  With approx 6000 homes currently abandoned, the city just can't find the money to destroy these homes.

Now, here's my idea.  Why not create a fantasy baseball camp-like vacation destination for middle aged men who have some aggression to work out?  Instead of paying money to spend a week in Florida playing baseball with senior citizens in tight white pants, what guy wouldn't want to pay money to spend a long weekend in Flint with his buddies taking a sledge hammer to an empty house?

My plan is that the city would provide needed hand tools (hammers, saws, shovels, etc.) and a waste recepticle.  Groups of 4-6 guys would each get a house and 3-4 days for destruction.  They'd take it down during the day and camp out in the yard at night with a grill and cooler full of beer.  I know, great idea, right?

Now, naysayers would point out all the potential liability problems, such as risk of injury and what not.  So participants would have to sign a waiver, and there would need to be minimum health standards and tool proficiency.  Plus the city would probably need roving supervisors to check out worksites during the day.  But I've gotta think that all of this would be less than $9,000 per house.  And just think of the boost to the tourism industry!

So am I the only person who loves this idea?
05 November 2009 @ 02:13 pm
Conversations with Fred Smoot:
In which the Man's true intentions are revealed

(Scene: Mid-day in early November, I'm driving in car, stopped at a stoplight in Minneapolis. A seemingly homeless man approaches the car. I scoop a few dollars worth of  change out of the center consol and lower window.)


Me: Here you go (reaching hand through window)

Smoot: Man quit foolin. Open the back door, we needs ta talk.

Me: Fred? What the…

(Smoot gets into the back seat of the car as the light changes. I resume driving. Fred is sweating profusely and seems panicked)

Smoot: I needs your help man! I am freakin out!

Me: Jeez, calm down. What are you doing here – don’t you have practice or something? Do you even play football any more?

Smoot: Man, there are things more important than football! Ain’t you ever heard of 2012?

Me: You mean the year?

Smoot: I mean the last year! I saw that new movie about 2012 and the freakin world is gonna end! What, you think that Jon Cusak is gonna save your pasty hide?

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s just a movie – it’s just fiction, made-up. I don’t think…

Smoot: Man I know what I saw. And then I checked this stuff out on wikipedia and it’s true! Turns out the Mayans knew about this way back, but the Europeans stole it from them and kept it a secret from us folk. 

Me: Assuming for a minute that the world was gonna end in a little more than three years and that anything else you said was true, how does coming here and pretending to be homeless help you out?

Smoot: Naw man, this disguise is to help you. You’z gotta sneak me onto that rocket.

Me: What rocket?

Smoot: You know, the rocket youz white folks got ta take yall to your moon base before the planet falls apart.

Me: (Sarcastic) Oh, that rocket. How’d you find out about that?

Smoot: Never you mind how I found out – why didn you tell me? Man, I thought we was cool.

Me: Fred, there’s no rocket and no moon base and no end of the world. You’re just going into another one of your paranoid delusions about the Man keeping you down…

Smoot: Man, the Man is keeping me down! You think the President cares about my black ass?

Me: But the President is black. Come on Fred, you live in Washington, how do you not know that?

Smoot: Black President? Man, now who’s talking fiction? You know what, just let me out up at the corner.

Me: Ok… hey wait. There’s a strip club on that corner! Did you just need a ride?!?

Smoot: (exiting the car) Thanks for the lift baby, hehehe. Smoot out!

Me: (yelling out of the window after him) Can I at least have my change back?

Current Mood: workingworking
11 September 2009 @ 08:25 am
VOTY winner to be announced next week after the Committee meets to view game one vs Cleveland, which will be bittersweet as the Browns are the team the Committee will be rooting for after the Vikings move to LA in 2011.  So far, Phil "Pantload" Loadholt is the leader with one vote...

Also, if you need something good to read at work, check out the Cooper County Times.  Maybe I'm biased because of who the author is, or maybe because I just appreciate sasquatch political humor, but this is a must read. 
12 August 2009 @ 06:49 am

So the other day I was out and about in my car during the noon hour and unable to find anything to listen to on the radio (are there any good music stations left in the Twin Cities?), I tuned in to Rush Limbaugh for a good laugh.

The caller who was on the air at the time was a liberal, explaining to Rush that there was not a single piece of progressive, beneficial legislation in the history of America championed by Conservatives. He then went on to list examples; the Civil Rights act, Medicare and Medicaid, Social Security, FDIC, the New Deal, the Square Deal, the Great Society, etc. The caller then went on to accuse conservatives who complain about this not being "my" America to be using code to complain about a president who doesn't look like them.

At that point Limbaugh cut him off and stammered his response, that the caller was ignorant and had his head buried in the sand and that he was beyond reform and therefore there was no reason to respond to his points. The call ended.

The next caller was a woman who cited her increasing concern that, under the new health plan, her mother would be euthanized. Rush took the opportunity of her call to ask why, when Democrat congressmen and senators, when confronted with such concerns at town hall meetings, didn't take the time to ease these concerns, going point by point through the bill to refute any charge that the elderly will be euthanized. Afterall, if someone is wrong and you know they're wrong, your best response is to prove to them that they're wrong. Arlen Spectre calling such concerns crazy and going on to the next question only proves that the accusations are true and the elderly are toast!

So listening for just two minutes, Rush managed to do a complete 180 degree turn between two callers. Hmmmm.


Conservative or liberal, why can't people just think beyond a third grade level and try to maintain some intellectual consistency?

(Funny side note; the same day, I tuned in for a few minutes of Sean Hannity's talk show.  Hannity was criticizing Nancy Pelosi for accusing town hall participants of carrying swastikas after she had been referred to as a Nazi, afterall, a good conservative is polite and respectful, even to their liberal enemy.  He then took a call from a woman who had attended a town hall meeting, they chatted for a few minutes about euthanizing the elderly, then Hannity jokingly asked the woman if anyone in the crowd was carrying a swastika.  The woman replied that she didn't see any swastikas, but the child next to her was carrying a sign with a picture of Pelosi with a Hitler mustache.  Oops... Hannity quickly ended the call and changed the subject.)
29 July 2009 @ 11:20 am

Players begin reporting for training camp today, with one notable exception, which means that it's time for the 2009 Viking of the Year nominees. But first, an apology for last year - Garrett Mills? Sorry about that.

And now another apology for this paragraph, which I'm sure no one wants to read but it needs to be said anyway. There are some local and national media who criticize Vikings fans who didn't want Favre, claiming that it was wrong to not want your favorite team to improve at a key position. But the common complaint about sports in the modern free agency period is that, with players constantly moving, rivalries don't exist and we're really only rooting for laundry. Favre, because he spent a generation playing for a hated rival needs to be the exception. Rooting for Brett Favre in a Vikings uniform would take all intrinsic meaning from sport and would force fans to see it for what it really is - billionaires paying millionaires to trick you into watching commercials. Let's all agree that booing Brett Favre, no matter what the reason, is better than the other option. Even if it means the Vikings don't go to the Super Bowl, the team and the sport are better off with Favre's retirement.

So no Brett Favre, which is too bad since the Committee had two good nicknames for him (which have since been forgotten and will never be discussed again). To those fans who think any chance of team success left with #4 - a brief history lesson. Prior to the 2000 season, certain people in the Viking's front office were unsure about the abilities of young quarterback Dante Culpepper. So they contacted and had many conversations with Dan Marino, whose contract with the Dolphins had expired and who was considering retirement. Marino ultimately decided in favor of retirement, thanked the Vikings for their interest, then appeared in Bad Boys II. The Vikings, with Culpepper, advanced to the NFC Championship game. (I forget how the game ended.) So clearly this season is not automatically without hope. And the possibility for Brett Favre to have a cameo in the next Transformers movie is still alive.

The nominees for the 2009 (and final) VOTY are:

Phil Loadholt:
A rookie right tackle, drafted in the second round, is supposed to be the savior of what was the weakest position on the Vikings' offense last season, and will strengthen an already potent rushing attack. Didn't we say the same thing about Ryan Cook three years ago? (I know, he was a center and was playing out of position... the comparison isn't apt.) Nevertheless, the Committee sees good things coming from Loadholt, whose name leads itself to many possible nicknames: Landphil; Pantload, etc. Ultimately, the committee decided on "Ghost Dog" because that name is just too cool and has to be used by someone sometime.

Percy Harvin:
When producers wanted to restart the Final Destination movie franchise, they didn't name the new movie Final Destination V (or whatever number they're on now); the named it The Final Destination. Likewise, when Sylvester Stallone recently brought back the characters Rocky and Rambo, the movies weren't called Rocky VI and Rambo:First Blood, Part IV; they were called simply Rocky Balboa and Rambo. So the Committee says, with all due respect to Kelly "Pruple Haze" Campbell, what's the harm in bringing back a good idea? So the choice is for Percy "The Purple Haze" Harvin.

Kevin Williams and Pat Williams:
Like it or not, these guys will forever be connected - same last name, linemates for going on 5 years, both involved in a lawsuit regarding the league's substance abuse policy. Fortunately, they've been the most dominant duo of interior linemen going on for some time now. It's only right that they should share a nickname. So for making opposing quarterbacks and runningbacks sick, they'll be collectively known as "H1N1." Perhaps this could also lead to a celebratory sack dance involving one or both on all fours acting like a pig... but the Committee is getting ahead of themselves. (FAQ - "Which of the two is H1 and which is N1?" Committee's response - "If you have to ask...")

Brad Childress:
There's been conflicting opinions about whether coaches are eligible, but since this is likely his last chance, let's throw him a bone. Childress' M.O. has generally been decent coaching and playcalling throughout the meat of the game, with terrible decisions made at the end of halves and games. (Perfect example, the playoff loss to Philly - the Vikings dominate the game by running and controlling the field, but after giving up one flukey touchdown and losing the lead, Chilly goes pass-happy for the fourth quarter and everything falls apart.) So to capture this, his nickname will be Brad "Apatow" Childress. His namesake Judd Apatow excels at making movies which are rather entertaining and humorous for the first three quarters, but with long drawn out endings that are generally unnecessary and take away from the rest of the movie. Apatow's equivalent of the Philly game? The last 20 minutes of Role Models. (What's that? Apatow had nothing to do with that movie? The committee doesn't believe you.)

As Always, the Committee will listen to other nominees and encourages participation.  Voting will be done after the final preseason game.
24 July 2009 @ 12:58 pm

An article from Slate earlier this week compares Barack Obama to Neo – Keanu Reeves’ character from the Matrix films. Sure, both are commonly referred to as the chosen one, but I think that there’s a better comparison from another movie character from the same year.


During his six months in office, Obama has ok’d the payouts of billions or trillions of tax dollars to banks, brokerages, insurance companies, auto companies, and is now looking to spend between $2.3 trillion over 10 years or 72 cents over ten years (depending on who you’re listening to) on health care reform. But none of this addresses the issue of how to keep people from losing their houses.


(On a side note, somebody still needs to explain why Goldman Sachs got government money to cover their investments that went belly-up, even though those investments were insured by AIG, which paid the claim using government money.)


That’s where the Project Mayhem comes in. (I know, I know… second rule, don’t talk about Project Mayhem.)


Remember Tyler Durden’s effort to blow up a few buildings and instantly erase the credit card debt of everyone in America? (If only it were that simple – I’m sure some of that info has gotta be backed-up.) Why couldn’t the president just do that instead? Would the total cumulative credit card debt of every American even come close to what the government has already spent? I mean, all wealth is fake anyway, just numbers on a screen somewhere. So it’s not like anyone would be any worse off than they are now. And erasing that debt for all individual consumers would definitely increase spending in every other area of daily life (new homes, new cars, etc.)


So if the president does decide to do this, I only ask that he give a few months notice – I want to run up my balance first.


(Incidentally, Fight Club was on tv at the same time as Obama’s speech on Wednesday, so we can be reasonably sure he and Durden aren’t the same person.)